Breaking: President Biden Claims Uncle Devoured by Cannibals!

SOMEWHERE OVER PAPA NEW GUINEA – In a startling revelation that seems ripped straight from a tabloid headline, President Joe Biden recently stirred up a cauldron of bewilderment and bemusement. Addressing a crowd at the United Steelworkers Headquarters in Pittsburgh, the President disclosed a family mystery that sounds more like a plot from a B-movie: his Uncle Ambrose “Bosie” Finnegan, lost during WWII, was potentially devoured by cannibals in New Guinea.

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Yes, you heard that right—cannibals.

“He got shot down in New Guinea,” Biden explained. “And they never found the body because there used to be—there were a lot of cannibals, for real, in that part of New Guinea.” Now, while the history of New Guinea does indeed include some instances of cannibalism, Biden’s casual drop of the C-word had the audience—and the internet—doing a double take.

Was Uncle Bosie a posthumous guest at a cannibal banquet? Or is this a case of the President misremembering details from his family lore? Let’s chew on the possibilities.

First off, the Pentagon’s Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency paints a less exotic picture, noting that Finnegan was aboard an A-20 Havoc that tragically crashed due to “unknown reasons” and not because of any culinary pursuits by the locals. They confirm the crash was a non-hostile incident with the plane ditching in the ocean, and sadly, three crew members, including Bosie, were lost and never found.

Yet, Biden’s unique take adds a flavor of intrigue to an otherwise somber tale. Maybe in his version, the jungles of New Guinea were teeming with cannibals reminiscent of the Fine Young Cannibals. You know, they were just waiting to “drive him crazy” the moment he parachuted down. Cue the soundtrack, perhaps?

Funny Take On The Edible Uncle


While we’re stirring the pot, let’s not forget to sprinkle in some references to other famous cannibals, real and fictional. Jeffrey Dahmer might have raised an eyebrow at Biden’s story, wondering if there was a missed opportunity for a historical episode of “Dinner with Dahmer.”

And for those with a taste for the undead, could we speculate that zombies were involved too? After all, zombies munching on brains could explain a lot about political decisions nowadays. Maybe they started with Joe Biden—just maybe.

To make things even spicier, let’s consider Biden’s political opponents who might be biting into this story with gusto. Imagining Donald Trump tweeting about how he’d never let American soldiers be eaten by cannibals, or suggesting that if they were going to be eaten, they’d be the best, most luxurious meals ever served.

But beyond the ghoulish giggles and spine-chilling scenarios, this tale highlights a more profound issue: the fog of memory and how personal stories evolve over time, especially when passed down through families. Biden’s anecdote, though macabre, underscores how history can be remembered differently from its reality, turning a family’s sacrifice into something out of a dark fairy tale.

Biden was speaking at the United Steel Worker’s Headquarters in Pittsburgh (Image: Getty Images)

Meanwhile, at the White House, spokesman Andrew Bates diplomatically sidestepped the cannibal theory, stating, “President Biden is proud of his uncle’s service in uniform,” and confirming the less sensational, but no less tragic, official account of Finnegan’s fate.

In conclusion, while we’re left to ponder the fate of Uncle Bosie—whether he met a heroic, albeit mundane end, or a sensational one as part of a cannibal feast—Biden’s story serves up a reminder of the enduring mystery surrounding many of history’s events. And as we parse through these tales, perhaps it’s wise to take such presidential anecdotes with a pinch of salt—or should we say, a sprinkle of paprika?

After all, in the world of politics and family legends, it seems there are many ways to serve up a story, and not all of them are palatable.

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